Fully Present Or Self-Absorbed?

I'm gonna piggy-back off of an idea that Derek shared about being present.

Just a few months ago, I was sitting in my office at the high school typing a business email and thinking through my schedule for the day. My head was full of a thousand and one things. Unexpectedly, one of the basketball players I'm coaching poked his head inside my door and asked me a question. I hurriedly answered him -- barely even looking up -- and then went back to my task. In less than 30 seconds, the Holy Spirit came knocking on the door of my conscience. "Robb, you totally missed it. That boy didn't come by to get information -- he came by to have some fellowship -- to simply talk about life. And you were off in some other world -- and made him feel of very little importance. Don't do that again."

Later that afternoon, one of my international students came by. I immediately quit the task at hand. I asked the student to have a seat and I purposed to give my full attention. What an amazing conversation we had -- something important happened -- but I know if I had not been committed to really listening I would have missed it.

I try to take that same sense of concentration and focus into every interaction I have. In the world we live in -- constantly bombarded by sound and information and activity -- it's so easy to just kind of float through the moments with so little of ourselves engaged. And in doing so -- we miss out on so much. The little clues that tell us our daughter simply needs a hug -- or our son wants a few minutes for throwing the football back and forth -- or our wife is in need of hearing that she's beautiful -- or a business associate needs a trusting ear -- or the clerk at the grocery store is desperate to know she matters. It takes work for me to be fully present -- but in practicing it -- I find so much more of eternal value happens when I'm with my wife, my friends, business associates, the players I coach, and new acquaintances. Fully present now equates to being fully alive -- and I don't want to miss out on one single thing!

Jesus came as one who served. From working as a highly skilled carpenter, making exquisite furniture pieces for his customers to becoming the Savior of the world, He wasn't focused on what He was going to get out of each and every situation. He wasn't looking "to get his" or worried about "props." He placed ALL of His life in God's hands and simply walked the earth looking to see where He could be a blessing to others. I want to have more of a heart like that...

For Jesus, being fully alive meant beginning every day being fully present with God in prayer. I'm working on that one too!

Is It About Me or Them?

This is Derek's First Post:
Thanks Rob for asking me to join in.
Having kids later in life is great! My forth is due in April (07) and I'm 53. I'm still adjusting. The other month while enjoying one of my regular quiet times with God, I felt an unusual thought land squarely between my ears. "It's less about you now and more about them."

Excuse me God. What? I am used to being the center of life. I'm used to being the apple of my daddy's eye. "You still are... and you've learned how to be a good son of mine. Now I want you to focus on being a good father to them." Honestly I felf a bit of rejection at that moment and I've still not adjusted to it.

I take turns saying to myself..."that wasn't God" or "hey I grew up without a dad and I'm still working on MY stuff."

Yeah right Derek. But when I started looking around to see how successful dads do things, it became clear.

There are two kinds of dads. Or should I say there are two kinds of hearts in dads.
One kind of heart still holds Dad's agenda and dad's life more sacred than creating life experiences for his kids. He is almost always too busy to give his kids FULL attention...even for 15 minutes. He has his routine when he gets home from work and the kids do not have a non-negotiable spot in it. He thinks that just being home reading the paper or watching TV is being WITH his kids. I think this is the part of me God was talking to when he spoke to me that day.

The other kind of dad has a heart that makes a conscious effort to enjoy his kids in specific ways. This doesn't mean his whole world revolves around the kids and making their life a constant parade of activities and experiences. For me, it's an intentional putting down my stuff, and focusing on them just for the fun of it. And this is happening by my initiative, not my wife's nagging or reminding. If my wife has to remind me then I'm not there yet.

I think for many dads this is a no-brainer, but for us guys who had no dad, or a workaholic dad or an absentee dad, we never saw it, so we don't know how to do it that well.

I've prayerfully decided to make specific times and activities non-negotiable times where it's all about them. Small stuff like playing trains with my son, or taking a walk with one of my daughters.

And big stuff too. For example, I've began including one of them on business trips when possible. Special dates like the Father - Daughter ball. And I'm devoting specific time to teach them how to pray or how to read the bible. The one-on-one time seems to mean so much to them. I'm a bit amazed actually. I guess because I never really had it myself so that part of me was kind of closed off or something.

Uh Oh! This picture reminds me that another Father-Daughter ball is almost here. Gotta go brush up on my ballroom dancing. See ya!
Derek

Welcome!

Welcome to "Fathering Generations!" I created this blog to offer up some ideas that I hope will help us better father (love, mentor, teach, coach, parent, equip, prepare, train and launch) the future generations. I also wanted a place (like a coffee house) to share ideas back and forth through your comments and posts. I receive tremendous encouragement and hope that God desires to do the above as well. In Malachi 4:6, He says: "He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers." I believe so very many fathers and their children, right now, are crying out for the type of relationship God intended but they can't quite grasp. There's a huge desire to connect in a meaningful way but it's just not happening. Let's go on a journey together here and see if God will show us the way...............

System Breakdown

After the first time it happened... everything changed! I was coaching boy's high school basketball and was about to discipline a sophomore for repeatedly making the same mistake over and over again. To the untrained eye, it appeared he was just being lazy, uncaring, and lacked focus. And it seemed he had little motivation to change. This young man was a talented athlete which made the situation even more confusing. I'd disciplined another player (made him run sprints) the day before for the same lackadaisical effort and he'd quickly responded with much better concentration. I was about to treat this second player in the same way when that still, small voice inside said: "Stop." I'm a prayerful man and I put God in charge of everything I do. I dedicated this season to Him and asked that each player under my guidance would mature into a young man of character and excellence (Please know that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. I do -- and way too often for my liking). I've come to recognize that still, small voice over many years of being in God, the Father's School as God wanting to direct me (Psalm 32:8). I waited to react to the player's repeated mistakes & consistently poor attitude and listened to the inner voice. "You don't know what this boy's life is like at home. He gets yelled at all the time, by his older brother & especially from his dad, and is never praised for doing anything well. I want you to go over to him, put your arm around him, and tell him how talented he is and what a great player he can become. And I want you to tell him that you are committed to helping him achieve his dreams in basketball and in life." I'm not one to argue with God -- at least not now -- after having learned after forty years of walking with Him that He truly does always know best. I did what He said -- and the change in that young man was instantaneous and obvious. Gone were the slumped shoulders and self-condemnation. A smile slowly lit up his face and he stood up taller. He then attacked the drill again and his focus & performance was radically better. Best of all, we began a deeper friendship right then that I believe paved the way for him to continue to receive instruction from me about athletics -- and more importantly -- about life and becoming a man of character and excellence. And I learned a most valuable lesson. Never apply a system or a model of behavior to fathering, mentoring, coaching, teaching or discipling. They will eventually break down and you might leave significant damage behind. I'd be devastated to arrive in Heaven and have God say: "You know that boy you coached -- he needed love in that moment -- not discipline -- because his dad was a dictator and a tyrant. You had a chance to make a real difference in his life, but sadly missed it." I try as hard as I can to first listen before I speak -- God, the Father knows all and He just may have some inside information that can help change a life for the good.